Turning Over A New Leaf...

When I washed up on these shores 13 years ago, I found myself out of step in many ways with the local community. Much of it was linguistic: I drank "pop," called those rubbery things that you shoot at someone "gumbands," and used a "sweeper" to clean the floors. (I have to say, you people talk funny.)

Today, I still use all those words in the comfort of my own home, but I try to conform occasionally in polite society. I’ve found myself allowing words like "dog" and "coffee" to evolve in something resembling an East End way. I’ve also been lectured extensively on "Dawn" and "Don," and had it explained to me repeatedly that the two words are not pronounced in exactly the same—although that particular lesson has yet to sink in.

But there are other phenomena that are stubbornly foreign to me. For instance, the placid acceptance of patronage in local politics. Every instance of someone getting a political appointment, job or other favor simply because of their connections stirs my blood. But most people I talk to shrug and say, "Eh, what do you expect? You get elected, you reward the people who got you there." For the first few years, I frothed and tried to stir up revolution. Today, I’ve scaled it back to simply shaking my head in wonder.

Another thing I confess to being baffled by: leaf pickup. It’s a timely topic, what with the leaves finally beginning to loosen their grip, and Southampton Town preparing to deal with the issue.
With all due respect to everyone who believes fervently that leaf pickup is a God-given right included in Section 3, Paragraph 16, of the Dongan Patent—"Ere, henceforth, the freeholders and commonality of this Towne of Southampton shall nay be troubled by the scrap and land flotsam resulting from harvestime loosening of the flora’s bounty"—I don’t understand the passion on the subject. It seems ridiculous to me.

How is it that we have a right to free and timely pickup of our yard waste but not, say, our garbage? I have heard of municipal garbage collection for years; we even had it in my sleepy little hometown of 1,100 in the woods. (The cost? Eight dollars—every three months.) It makes sense—the last thing a community wants is garbage lying around.

But leaves? Sure, it’s nice to have the town get rid of them free of charge if you rake them to the side of the road. But is it really an essential service? And when the time comes to "cut government spending," as everyone seems eager to do these days, how is this not the first thing to go?

Safety concerns? Please. When’s the last time a serious accident was caused by leaves? And how is piling them at the roadside safer?

I understand there are people who rely on the town’s service and can’t really bag their leaves, or afford to hire someone to do it. But is that really a reason to provide the free benefit townwide, to everyone? Last time I checked, the senior citizen shuttle isn’t making runs to the Boardy Barn on Sundays in the summer. These folks have a right to some special treatment.

I’m not trying to be difficult here—I’m genuinely amazed by this, and I’ve been scolded many times for my position. "It’s the one tangible bit of benefit I get for my tax dollars," one person explained, which is the best argument I’ve heard.

Town officials are squaring off now, and it’s clearly a hot topic for residents. I plan to listen closely, hoping someone will convince me of the error of my ways.

Speak loudly, though—there are a lot of leaf blowers this time of year.